Chapter 11

3/20/2012

I put myself on self imposed restrictions at the detox facility I am staying at becuase I feel absolutely hopeless that I will ever find helpm for narcolepsy in this community. Self imposed restrictions create a scenario whereby if you leave the drug detox/stablization unti you will not be allowed to return. Otherwise in the stabillization unit where I am staying I am allowed to leave the building for brief periods of time during the day so long as I remain sober and return in time for various meetings and curfews throughout the day.

I feel like leaving today and collecting my disability payment in full tomorrow. I want to to do meth amphetamines. Well, I don't want to do illegal amphetamines but the desire to work full time even if just on the interenet and excersise riding my bike is a strong pull.

My drug and alcohol counsellor was so kind and came to see me today from his office because I was too concerned to leave the detox to walk to his office today. I thought I might do meth along the way.

He asked me why did I think it was so important to go on restrictions and not do meth?

I told him because I hate how this condition and this predicament make my mind bend my morals and my thoughts seem to justify meth use in absence of a medial alternative. I hate that.

I am an honest person with an honest ailment and I hate when the pull of addiction or the lack of proper medical therapy makes me feel like I can use crystal meth instead.

He asked me if since I have been sober have I noticed anything about myself that is better and I honestly can not say that I do. Since quiting meth four months ago I have been right back in the catch twenty two I was in when I returned from California and could no longer stay awake all day without Ritalin.

I just can not understand why a Canadian doctor will mot agree to pull my medical records from the United States and agrre to continue the therapy that worked best for me. At the clinic I regulary go to have my prescription for Alertec and Effexor filled Dr. Minhua pointedly told me hi will not honor the advice of the Californinian doctors. Nor will he consider pulling my files. And, to top it all of despite my years of having had my prescription for an anti-depressant filled for the symtpoms of cataplexy as prescribed by my initial, now retired, neurologist Dr. Hoagie.

He insisted immediately before I even asked him to refill my anti-depressant prescription that he will not prescribe it for cataplexy and he also insisted that his office had never prescribed an anti-depressant to me for that reason. But, that is so dead wrong. I have never once complained in his office about the symtpoms of depression. I don't even know that they are. The only reason I ever came to Dr. Minhua's office and requested a script for an anti-depressant is because I had been prescribed an anti-depressant by my neurologist not for deppression but to combat the symptoms of partial facial paralysis, inability to speak and occasional weakness at the knees whenever I am involuntarily stressed. That is cataplexy associated with narcolepsy.

Maybe now after years of hopeless treatment by Canadian medical health system, bullying by canaidan doctors I know what depression is. But, even still I am not so sure. I would have to look it up.

3/22/2012

I have till the end of this month to find another treatment place to go. Like I said I don't mind sticking it to Canada and having them pay for all the problems I am having otherwise I would be able to just go get a job and be a "normal" citizen. But, seeing as how I can't get a good doctor here, nor a second opinion, nor proper medical therapy for my disability fuck them. Canada can pay my way till I can make enough money laying prone in bed all day working on the internet till I can leave.

So far so good. I can most likely stay at a shelter near the recovery house I plan to attend for the time it takes to get an intake date. Plus, I also will be able to keep a larger part of my disability check allowing me to possibly buy another laptop to operate this website I use to make money. Who knows? I'll see.

Besides the doctors not helping me I am feeling quite alright. See reader quite the difference between now and three days ago when all I could think about was narcolepsy. That is because I stopped taking that anti-psychotic medication Abilify. It was literally driving me nuts. I need some help. But, I need help with the symptoms of my sleep disorder. I am not delusional.

3/23/2012

Alright. My plans are moving along. I am most likely staying at Yukon Shelter for about a month while I wait to secure my recovery house and supportive housing. Perfect. All of this brings my much closer to realizing my goal of running my online complany from a much better place, making some money, coming home and seeing my American doctor again.

3/25/2012

I moved! I am in my new albeit temporary place. It's called Yukon Shelter and I share a room with another fellow until I can get into another drug rehabilitation place. This is probably not the best place for me to try and stay away from crystal meth. The general rule here is don't ask - don't tell.

There is plenty of nice, normal people here and I am surprised what kind of people do end up homeless. Yukon shelter is situated out of the deplorable circumstances of the downtown east-side of Vancouver so the clientele here seems to be genuinely displaced people and not neccesarily drug addicts. I forgot normal people have these kinds of problems too. As awkward as this is too say it is nice and reassuring to me to be around normal people who at the very least try and hide their drug and alcohol habits shuold they have some.

I am glad to be here. But, the pull of crystal meth is very much stronger on me here than it was at Onsite. At the Yukon Shelter the beds are unavailable between 9:30 am to 5:30 pm. There is a breif period between 12:30 pm and 2:00 pm that the rooms are once again available but the general intention of that period of time is for clients to be able to shower who did not get a chance to shower in the morning or the night before. It is not intended for clients to sleep.

That is my problem - sleeping. I generally have between three to five insatiable naps a day. I just cannot stay awake any longer and will lie down just about anywhere to close my eyes and have a quick nap of about half of an hour. See, dear American reader; that is what my medication Alertec is supposed to be relieving me of during the day but does not seem to be able to to. On the other meth amphetamine does.

I don't wan't to trigger myself by writing about it too much but a little meth amphetamine in the morning is able to keep my physically awake all day and if I have to sit in a lounge waiting for my shelter bed to become available again then I am able to do so without falling asleep all over the place. Hell, dear American I would even be able to look for a job knowing I could go to it everyday and not fall alseep. I hate Canada's inadequate medical health care system with it's lack of medical specialists to help me with such a simple problem. The answer here in Canada seems to be go and suffer in a shelter where you are not allowed to even sleep on the floor without being asked to go lie down somewhere else, read outside on the sidewalk till 5:30 pm.

But, on the other hand I am a very rare oddity with an extremely rare neurological condition and thank God for all of these kinds of places and the help they offer regardless. The other poor people in here are really a bunch of great people who just need a little charity and love and kindness in there lives along with a place to stay to get on with the rest of their lives. But, please don't brag, Canadian, to me about the Canadian medical health care system. It is a joke compared to America's where a simple guy like me with a rare yet simple condition was diagnosed in less than two weeks, given proper medical attention, a cheap prescription for a strong stimulant (Ritalin) and was working and able to physically support myself in less than a month. That is a huge difference to me the sufferer. America, it's doctors, it's system gave me back my human dignity, did not ask me to suffer but instead immediately offered me a way to join the rest of society and pursue the American way of life healthy and independent.